I'm terrible.  Especially when I'm sick.

I finally caved in and bought American Idol songs.  I lost my self control.  Not only did I buy those--I bought a few Mandarin songs and a song of Josh Groban's that I already had.  Why did I buy the song I already had?  Because it was his live version, of course.

And last week, I bought five books after a whole month of book fasting.

Books and music will make me penniless one day.  Especially books.

No more spending money.  NO MORE!!!!  I'm poor and must save for paying back loans.

Even if I did just get my paycheck the other day.....

The last time there was a fire in my backyard was about nine years ago.  And I think the time before that was when I was in third grade.  That was the worst case I faced.  We were the next group on the list to evacuate.

I hate it when it happens though.  The smoke and the ash make everyone have horrible allergies, and everyone monitors the wind because that basically decides whether the firefighters will be able to contain the fire. 

Then there are the nosy, noisy people who have nothing better to do with their insignificant lives on a Saturday night, so they drive up our street just to get a closer view of the fire and the helicopters, and they start taking pictures and yelling at 2 AM.  I wanted to pick up a loudspeaker and tell them to shut the &*@# up!  But if I did that and saw them at church the next morning, that would not be a very good witness for Jesus. 

Why do these fires start?  Most of the time I think it's because some stupid person goes up into the canyon, lights a cigarette and then throws it somewhere without putting it out.  Then because the air is so dry, the fire spreads so quikcly.  Or maybe some idiot just thinks it's funny to cause drama.  Or maybe some incredibly rude man/woman is jealous that the people who live around here are richer than they are, and they purposely start a fire in hopes of burning homes.

Or maybe I'm just angry at people in general, and it was just a plain accident.

Anyway, I wish they would just block people from going into the mountains when the weather is dry.  End of discussion.

If it seems like I've been more reclusive than usual, (not that anyone can really tell), it's because I have been writing my fantasy/adventure story.  I am now on Chapter Eleven (page 93 single spaced, size 10 font). 

Anyway, in my story, I created a family side characters consisting of five sisters and a mother.  When I was writing them into existence, I had this funny, nagging feeling in the back of my head.  Where had I heard of a story with five sisters and a mother before?  I proceeded to develop their characters, with the two of the sisters being responsible, and the other three being silly and immature.  However, this feeling that I had heard the story before would not subside. 

And then it hit me.  I had been reading TOO much Jane Austen!!!!

The mother in this family may not be as silly and foolish as Mrs. Bennett, but the sisters sure sounded similar.  Now I have to go back and make the characters a little different because I don't want to unintentionally plagerize something. 

I really don't think anybody can comprehend how I feel right now.  I feel trapped in a dark cave with no light.  I want to see the light--but it seems so impossible.  This is reality for me.  I can see my future right now--taking care of an unnamed person who was born with a disability beyond my comprehension.  I can't even ask God why it happened to me because I asked for this "present."  Is it my fault?  Deep down inside, I know it's not.  I know all the right Christian answers and I know how I should respond to these situations.  But why is it so hard to accept the answers? 

I wonder if God's mad at me for doubting Him.  No, I don't doubt the existence of God; I doubt that He will make everything right in the end.  What if God says, "This is your life--and even if you pray hard, it's going to be this way.  Nothing will change."  I mean, God tells people "No" many times.  And what if the answer to my prayer is a straight, flat-out "NO!"? 

Gosh, I haven't complained in my xanga for so long.  I'm sorry.

I went to buy an outfit for my cousin's wedding, so I decided to go into this little Chinese clothing boutique.  You know the type....when the saleslady keeps trying to sell you things and won't give up.  And when she tells you, oh that looks so good on you, even if it doesn't.  But...this saleslady decided to say something a little too personal for my taste.  I've always had a complex with my weight.  When I was in middle school, I was on the heavy side, and it wasn't until the middle of high school when I started shedding those pounds. 

So this saleslady said in Chinese that I was fat, and probably this certain skirt would make me look less so.  I got extremely mad and felt like saying, "I know my butt is big, but please keep your two cents to yourself!  It's people like you who reinforce other people's low self-esteem!" but of course, you know I didn't.  Later, my mom said it's probably because the customers at that store are all those extremely petite 5 footer Asian girls who are as skinny as a pole.  It didn't really make me feel better, but oh well........

Character.  I must remind myself that character is most important.  Developing gentleness, patience, kindness, self-control, etc...

Anyway, I've been writing more of my story, and I've realized that I have to do research on EVERYTHING!!!  Even when I describe the scenery with a sentence this simple: 

"The smell of pine trees and gardenias filled the cold night air as Cathy and Bay trudged along the dirt-strewn paths of the woods."

Questions come up.  Like....do gardenias bloom at night?  Do pine trees and gardenias bloom in the same region?  And do they even grow in the woods?  (I only know the answer to the first question:  gardenias do bloom more at night and release more fragrance; the other questions have yet to be researched).

I never realized how much research goes into writing a FICTIONAL story!!!  But I LOVE it!!!  I love it a lot more than doing biological research. 

Add on:  I have a new pen name.  Calina Fonaly...why did I pick it?  You'll just have to ask me.  It does have a meaning.  =D